1. Grand Theft Aqua
While trying to escape from the police, Donald Trump held up the crew of a Disney-brand cruise ship with a gold-plated knife and hijacked it. Fortunately, he was tackled by someone in a Donald Duck mascot suit, which allowed the Mar-A-Lago police to handcuff him.
2. Armed Grave Robbery
Donald Trump, throughout his presidency repeatedly attacked skeletons’ rights, claiming that “Those musky bone guys, now, don’t get me wrong, I know lots of good skeletons, but let me tell you, those skeletons, I don’t get it, get some flesh, I mean I got flesh, why can’t they have flesh? They’re just lazy, I think.” Last month, he made good on that promise, when he grabbed the jewelry from a grave and threatened its inhabitant with a gold-plated pistol. The grave’s inhabitant said it was, “A terrifying experience, but also like, really tacky, you know? Don’t blame me, I voted for Bernie Sanders in 2016.”
3. Plagiarizing his entire presidential campaign
Recent allegations have come out that Donald Trump’s entire 2016 presidential campaign is an exact copy, with only the names and images changed, of the presidential campaign of obscure 1912 presidential primary candidate, Simeon Baldwin, wall with Mexico and all. “Those damn Mexicans,” said Baldwin from beyond the grave, after we summoned him. “bringing those satanic avocados into our great country. Those avocados, they’ll give you leprosy, you know.” Notably, this one aspect of the campaign was slightly changed for Trump’s.
4. Arson
Yeah he just like, set stuff on fire. Not too much else to say.
5. Reverse Tax Evasion
Finally, and most heinous of all, Trump committed multiple infractions of tax law, by paying over 10 times the amount of taxes he owed to the government. “It can only be described as an act of terrorism” said US Treasurer, Lot S. A. Money, “We literally cannot handle this much money. Please, take it from us; I’m begging.” Notably, none of the funds went to schools for supplies or repairs, however multiple congressmen were seen driving much nicer cars, so it’s all worth it in the end.
