The Tattler

The Tattler

The Superbowl was full of surprises
Barons Review the Super Bowl
February 23, 2024

Some say it was rigged. Others argue the game was won fair and square. A few have gone as far as to say that Usher's was the worst Halftime Show...

B-CC wrestlers move to regionals
B-CC Wrestling Takes On The Post Season
February 23, 2024

Twelve members of the B-CC Wrestling team qualified for the Individual Regional Championships after competing in the Individual County Championships...

Sephora Kids have become a menace to retail employees.
Is Social Media Depriving Us of Our Childhood?
February 23, 2024

The pandemic was hard on all of us, and recently, the lasting effects of a year in quarantine are becoming apparent, one of them being the infamous...

Senior Nate Bromberger looks for an opening in a game against Churchill.
Basketball in County Championship Tonight, Feb. 23
February 23, 2024

The top two teams in the county play in the County Championship and this year, both the B-CC Girls and Boys Varsity Basketball teams will compete....

The 2023 B- CC used book sale
Used Book Sale
February 23, 2024

B-CC's PTSA will hold their annual Used Book Sale on March 9 and 10 from 9a.m. to 3p.m. The sale, run by the PTSA, is B-CC’s biggest annual...

Barons Advance to State Quarterfinals
Barons Advance to State Quarterfinals
February 23, 2024

Barons Ice Hockey defeated South River High School in the third round of the playoffs on Tuesday, Feb. 20, at the Gardens Ice House. B-CC got...

Color Wheels created during art class by Barons and their buddies
Best Buddies Travel to Stephen Knolls School
February 23, 2024

On Wednesday, Feb. 21, the B-CC chapter of Best Buddies made a trip to Silver Spring to hang out and engage in bonding activities with their...

NASA, Hoping To Be Worthy Successor To Previous Exploratory Groups, Announces It Will Kill And Subjugate Any Alien Life It Finds

Recently, NASA has released a new mission statement outlining their current goals when it comes to space exploration.
NASA, Hoping To Be Worthy Successor To Previous Exploratory Groups, Announces It Will Kill And Subjugate Any Alien Life It Finds
Wren Buehler

Recently, NASA has released a new mission statement outlining their current goals when it comes to space exploration. “We hope to carry on the legacy of exploratory pioneers, such as Lewis and Clark or Christopher Columbus,” the statement reads. “Going where no man or woman has ever gone before. And while we have no proof that sentient alien life exists, if we find it, we promise you that we will conquer it, exploit it, and brutally massacre all resistance.”

“It’s one of the principals our great country is founded on,” spoke William Johnson, a NASA executive, during a press conference. “Nothing is more aligned with our American values than going somewhere, seizing the land, and exiling or killing the people that already live there. As we speak, NASA scientists are engineering new diseases that we can spread to the aliens and decimate their population.” We asked Mr. Johnson about what he believed the reaction would be among the general populace. “We celebrated Columbus Day for years, so I doubt too many people would be against this. Maybe there will be land-back movements sometime later, but by that point, Mount Rushmore 2, which we plan to build on their most holy sites, will be complete.” The projector behind him displayed a mock-up of a mountain adorned with the faces of John Adams, Millard Filmore, Martin Van Buren, and Calvin Coolidge. “To rub it in the faces of those aliens even more, we aren’t even going to put our good presidents on it.” Johnson chuckled. The rest of the press conference was dedicated to the logistics of the operation, which is pretty boring, in our trusted, journalistic opinion, so we’ll spare you from it.

As of press time, William Johnson has published a new report, informing the general public of various strategies they can use to subvert and appropriate the religious beliefs of aliens.

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    wrenDec 1, 2023 at 8:23 am

    Woah… that art piece is pretty great! Whoever made it must be a genius.

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