Wren Buehler

Recently, NASA has released a new mission statement outlining their current goals when it comes to space exploration. “We hope to carry on the legacy of exploratory pioneers, such as Lewis and Clark or Christopher Columbus,” the statement reads. “Going where no man or woman has ever gone before. And while we have no proof that sentient alien life exists, if we find it, we promise you that we will conquer it, exploit it, and brutally massacre all resistance.”

“It’s one of the principals our great country is founded on,” spoke William Johnson, a NASA executive, during a press conference. “Nothing is more aligned with our American values than going somewhere, seizing the land, and exiling or killing the people that already live there. As we speak, NASA scientists are engineering new diseases that we can spread to the aliens and decimate their population.” We asked Mr. Johnson about what he believed the reaction would be among the general populace. “We celebrated Columbus Day for years, so I doubt too many people would be against this. Maybe there will be land-back movements sometime later, but by that point, Mount Rushmore 2, which we plan to build on their most holy sites, will be complete.” The projector behind him displayed a mock-up of a mountain adorned with the faces of John Adams, Millard Filmore, Martin Van Buren, and Calvin Coolidge. “To rub it in the faces of those aliens even more, we aren’t even going to put our good presidents on it.” Johnson chuckled. The rest of the press conference was dedicated to the logistics of the operation, which is pretty boring, in our trusted, journalistic opinion, so we’ll spare you from it.

As of press time, William Johnson has published a new report, informing the general public of various strategies they can use to subvert and appropriate the religious beliefs of aliens.