The Tattler

The Tattler

John and Jane Parents 1 v. Montgomery County Board of Education: Parents Challenge School Support Plans for Trans Students
John and Jane Parents 1 v. Montgomery County Board of Education: Parents Challenge School Support Plans for Trans Students
June 14, 2024

On May 20, 2024, the Supreme Court of the United States denied a Maryland parents’ petition that challenged school support plans for trans...

Track and Field season comes to an end.
Track and Field: Road to Nationals
June 12, 2024

Though the school year is winding down, Track and Field is not. They attended the MPSSAA 4A Track and Field State Championships from May 21 through...

Lockdowns are becoming increasingly common country-wide.
Life in Lockdown
June 12, 2024

With lockdowns becoming increasingly more common around the country, the chilling reality of these incidents has recently hit close to home for...

Rivalries at BCC.
The Importance of Rivalries
June 11, 2024

For better or for worse, rivalries are a huge part of the game for B-CC athletic teams. Not only do rivalries promote school spirit and motivate...

Pitcher of the Year: Henry Eichner
Pitcher of the Year: Henry Eichner
June 11, 2024

Henry Eichner took home the Division 1 Pitcher of the Year award to cap off an incredible junior season. Eichner led B-CC’s elite pitching...

Varsity Girls Basketball took the court at the State Championship.
A Year in Review of Baron Sports
June 11, 2024

Athletic Director Mr. Krawczel is pleased with the results of the school’s athletes this year. Looking back on 2023-2024, though, he was less...

Check out drive-in movies across the DMV
Coming To a Field Near You...
June 7, 2024

With summer kicking off, students wonder what they should do with their friends. Between pool days and going to museums in DC, a fun and unique...

NASA, Hoping To Be Worthy Successor To Previous Exploratory Groups, Announces It Will Kill And Subjugate Any Alien Life It Finds

Recently, NASA has released a new mission statement outlining their current goals when it comes to space exploration.
NASA, Hoping To Be Worthy Successor To Previous Exploratory Groups, Announces It Will Kill And Subjugate Any Alien Life It Finds
Wren Buehler

Recently, NASA has released a new mission statement outlining their current goals when it comes to space exploration. “We hope to carry on the legacy of exploratory pioneers, such as Lewis and Clark or Christopher Columbus,” the statement reads. “Going where no man or woman has ever gone before. And while we have no proof that sentient alien life exists, if we find it, we promise you that we will conquer it, exploit it, and brutally massacre all resistance.”

“It’s one of the principals our great country is founded on,” spoke William Johnson, a NASA executive, during a press conference. “Nothing is more aligned with our American values than going somewhere, seizing the land, and exiling or killing the people that already live there. As we speak, NASA scientists are engineering new diseases that we can spread to the aliens and decimate their population.” We asked Mr. Johnson about what he believed the reaction would be among the general populace. “We celebrated Columbus Day for years, so I doubt too many people would be against this. Maybe there will be land-back movements sometime later, but by that point, Mount Rushmore 2, which we plan to build on their most holy sites, will be complete.” The projector behind him displayed a mock-up of a mountain adorned with the faces of John Adams, Millard Filmore, Martin Van Buren, and Calvin Coolidge. “To rub it in the faces of those aliens even more, we aren’t even going to put our good presidents on it.” Johnson chuckled. The rest of the press conference was dedicated to the logistics of the operation, which is pretty boring, in our trusted, journalistic opinion, so we’ll spare you from it.

As of press time, William Johnson has published a new report, informing the general public of various strategies they can use to subvert and appropriate the religious beliefs of aliens.

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    wrenDec 1, 2023 at 8:23 am

    Woah… that art piece is pretty great! Whoever made it must be a genius.

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