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La falta de comprension: Ignorar las necesidades y acomodaciones de los estudiantes
La falta de comprension: Ignorar las necesidades y acomodaciones de los estudiantes
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Incluso considerando las acomodaciones adecuadas implementadas para los estudiantes, uno debe preguntarse si estos estudiantes realmente han...

Luana Turcco in action
B-CC Welcomes International Handball Star
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Handball, a team sport where two teams of typically seven players use their hands to pass a ball aiming to throw it into the goal on the opposite...

The documentary that exposed the dark side of Nickelodeon
The Dark Truth Behind the TV Screen
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As children, we’re prone to laugh at seemingly insignificant jokes, but as we grow older the dark not-so-humorous truth behind said jokes unravels...

B-CC Decisions: Stressing out Seniors
B-CC Decisions: Stressing out Seniors
April 19, 2024

It’s 8 am on a Monday morning in April and you open Instagram for the first time. Three new college decisions have been released on the B-CC...

Sophomore Koko Jenkin pitching against WJ
Barons Softball Hit Mid Season Struggles
April 19, 2024

After a dominating win in the Battle of Bethesda, B-CC traveled to Churchill to play a talented Bulldogs squad. The Barons jumped out to an early...

Huge Week for Barons Baseball
Huge Week for Barons Baseball
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This week, B-CC Varsity Baseball won two blowout games against Damascus and Churchill, and won a huge game against Walter Johnson. Saturday,...

One size fits all can be a harmful business model
One Size Fits None
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“One size fits all,” but does it really? The most logical answer is no. However, companies still label their clothes with this kind of sizing,...

Orangutans Spotted Using Primitive Spears, Clubs, Nuclear Bombs

Orangutans+Spotted+Using+Primitive+Spears%2C+Clubs%2C+Nuclear+Bombs

Late last week, a discovery in Borneo shook the world of anthropology in more ways than one: for the first time, orangutans have been spotted fashioning primitive weapons. Yes, using a combination of stones, sticks, and plutonium, the apes have been able to make sharp spears, heavy clubs, and fission-based nuclear bombs. For more information, we spoke to primatologist Michael “Monkey Mike” Strong, who requested that we not include “that horrible nickname.”

Monkey Mike reported that “this is a pivotal moment in primatology. Weapon use is well-documented in chimps, but they’re violent little bastards anyway, so that was bound to happen. Seeing this in orangutans proves that even the so-called ‘Al Gore of the monkey world’ are capable of enacting horrible violence against each other for seemingly no reason— and thus that they are more like us than we thought.” Pressed for comment on the Al Gore remark, Monkey Mike said, “It’s a primatology thing. You wouldn’t get it.”

Curious about what this discovery means for the average man on the street and sick of Monkey Mike, we instead spoke to war advocate Bill Majestic, who said the average American “has little to worry about. Studies show a solid 20-30% of Americans can consistently outwit an orangutan, and so long as our best and brightest are elected to positions of power, we’ll be fine.”

As of press time, the Snitch urges readers to stay optimistic — while our country (and indeed the whole human species) is in grave danger, the orangutans will make a great movie about this whole thing in 70 to 80 years.

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