Late last week, a discovery in Borneo shook the world of anthropology in more ways than one: for the first time, orangutans have been spotted fashioning primitive weapons. Yes, using a combination of stones, sticks, and plutonium, the apes have been able to make sharp spears, heavy clubs, and fission-based nuclear bombs. For more information, we spoke to primatologist Michael “Monkey Mike” Strong, who requested that we not include “that horrible nickname.”

Monkey Mike reported that “this is a pivotal moment in primatology. Weapon use is well-documented in chimps, but they’re violent little bastards anyway, so that was bound to happen. Seeing this in orangutans proves that even the so-called ‘Al Gore of the monkey world’ are capable of enacting horrible violence against each other for seemingly no reason— and thus that they are more like us than we thought.” Pressed for comment on the Al Gore remark, Monkey Mike said, “It’s a primatology thing. You wouldn’t get it.”

Curious about what this discovery means for the average man on the street and sick of Monkey Mike, we instead spoke to war advocate Bill Majestic, who said the average American “has little to worry about. Studies show a solid 20-30% of Americans can consistently outwit an orangutan, and so long as our best and brightest are elected to positions of power, we’ll be fine.”

As of press time, the Snitch urges readers to stay optimistic — while our country (and indeed the whole human species) is in grave danger, the orangutans will make a great movie about this whole thing in 70 to 80 years.