The Tattler

The Tattler

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Big Spider In Basement Colonizes Laundry Room

Late last night, a chance encounter confirmed what many in the Wilson household had feared—that the big spider who lives in the basement has captured the laundry room.
Wren Buehler

Late last night, a chance encounter confirmed what many in the Wilson household had feared—that the big spider who lives in the basement has captured the laundry room. The big spider, which Mr. Wilson reported had to be at least the size of at least a golf ball, had already made major territory gains under the couch and in the broom closet as of Tuesday, but the Wilsons hadn’t expected it to push so far into contested areas. We reached out to Mr. Wilson for more information on this earth-shattering news.

“These are unprecedented times. While making a routine trip to the laundry room to take out the clean clothes, I saw the big spider on the floor in front of the mini-fridge. This tactical position allows it to block our access to not just the dryer but also our strategic stockpile of Coke Zero.”

Mr. Wilson argued for a decisive counter-strike, saying “We will start with a newspaper and work our way up to a boot. Our enemies must be taught —by force— that the Wilson household will not surrender cleanliness to any spider, no matter how big or terrifying.”

Abby Wilson, his eight-year-old daughter, advocated for a more peaceful approach. “I believe that among the Wilson family values are sharing and kindness. I cannot stand by and watch lethal force be deployed against the big spider when it is an ally against our mutual enemy: those weird bugs that fly into the window and then die.” Pressed for a solution, Abby declared “We will attempt coexistence; failing that, we will put him under a cup and then take the cup outside.”

As of press time, information from on-site reporters indicates that the big spider may be seeking alliances with other forces in the region, such as that gross bug with a bunch of legs who lives under the mini-fridge.

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