Earlier this week, a new poll by AFW (Americans For War) confirmed that children aged 6-18 would rather play “video games” than fight in a global total war conflict. 

According to the poll, only 13% of children are willing to leave their homes today and valiantly protect their country from foreign threats. An astounding 73% responded they would rather play “video games” on a “gaming” console, while 4% asked what World War One was. The remaining 10% responded, quite unhelpfully, with “idk, your mom.” We interviewed the President of Americans For War, Chick Deny, for his thoughts on this issue.

“I really don’t get it,” Chick fumed, on the verge of tears, adding, “When I was their age, all we could talk about was World War One. World War One this, World War One that. It was what kids did, y’know? Heck, you should’ve seen the look on our faces when we realized there would be a second one!” At this point in the interview, Chick had, in fact, broken into tears. 

“We didn’t have time for games or that sorta hocus pocus,” he continued, adding, “We were too busy playing with BB guns, running across no-mans-land, and playing soccer on Christmas Day before returning to the torment and torture of war.”

Jorge Butch, a media consultant for AFW’s World War Branch confirmed that they were trying to get to the bottom of this new phenomenon: “We think the issue is marketing: we aren’t showing children how fun it can be to fight in a war. World War One was really a fun war. Really. The soldiers could shoot, reload their guns, occasionally eat food, and wear the same clothes for days on end! We need to reach out to children with this information! This ‘video game’ trend will die out soon, just like desegregation.”

New ads targeted at children show Fortnite characters engaged in trench warfare, World War One veterans ridiculing World War Two veterans, and statistics showing video games cause mild forms of death. Hopefully, this new campaign will convince children to finally get off their couches and join the armed forces, whether it be on the ground or in heaven. 

As of the last two days, there have been few further developments. The AFW has begun preparations to send children off “voluntarily” to real life simulations of war, to show children how fun it can really be. Top executives at AFW are currently on the lookout for wars that have been raging for several years, preferably somewhere around the world. Their hope is that the “video game” obsessed army may swoop in halfway through and act like it saved the entire world by itself.