Hey Wren!
It’s me, Amy Kraus. I’m emailing you because you didn’t respond to my eight previous emails, or my two previous text messages, or my phone call. I’m from Wilcon University in Connecticut (go Wildcats!), and I just want to talk.
I noticed you didn’t seem interested in our excellent internship opportunities or our low student-to-faculty ratio. That’s okay! You can waste four years of your life at some no-name school for pathetic losers if you want. Sorry! I didn’t mean that. (Go Wildcats!) I’m just saying you might be making the wrong choice.
I get it. You don’t care that much about academics. You just want a nice, chill social life. We have that! Look! Here’s a photo of kids smiling and sitting on a bench! Here’s someone in a sports jersey jumping! Do you see that? There in that group shot? Yeah, that’s a kid with dyed hair AND one with glasses. We have BOTH of those. (Go Wildcats!) You want to go here, right? You want to be smiling and sitting on a bench.
No?
Don’t even worry about it. You’ll end up here either way. When Harvard rejects you, when you tour the University of Missouri and realize it’s all too much for you — you’ll want us back. You’ll beg for it. And in your hour of need, we’ll be there for you. We’re here for you. We just want to talk.
Always your college,
Wilcon University
