As of last Wednesday, AP examination at B-CC has ended. While many students were excited to put their knowledge to the test, recent study results have led to worry among AP-taking students. Cross-referencing AP scores and dubiously ethical behavioural studies of students, the researchers found undeniable evidence that any student that scored over a 4 on any AP exam is a giant, dorky, dweeby, loser NERD.
We approached UMD sociologist Gary Fremland to learn more. “I’m honestly shocked we didn’t notice the pattern sooner,” he said. “The research is clear! There is a direct correlation between high test scores, and high amounts of time spent studying, missed parties, and refusal of alcoholic beverages pushed on them by their peers. They are universally lame, smelly, loser nerds.” However, that was only the beginning of the worrying trend. “It doesn’t stop there,” Fremland continued, “they have favorite dinosaurs other than the T-Rex, they watch documentaries in their free time, and they’re quick to correct any mistake other students make. It’s frankly terrifying. It’s like they’re asking for swirlies.”
To help curb the issue, Fremlan issued three recommendations for parents of at-risk nerds.
- Limit access to academic resources. Impose strict screen time limits on websites like Khan Academy, National Geographic, and CNN. In place of those, encourage the viewership of television like Real Housewives, as well as “Brainrot” on sites such as TikTok and Instagram.
- Ban participation in academic extracurriculars such as science olympiad and debate. Extracurricular activities should be limited to those that weaken—rather than enhance—mental acuity.
- Directly monitor interaction with peers, especially if those peers appear to be nerds. If they appear to be “learning” from and “teaching” each other, step in and limit your child’s contact with those students.
As of press time, B-CC’s nerd rate has reached 10% of the school’s attendees, leading government officials to consider quarantine measures.
