Money, money, money. Some say it makes the world go round. Others say it’s the root of all evil. We at The Snitch, however, say that it’s pretty cool and that we should have more of it. But where will we get this money? From you, our loyal reader, of course! Now, you may be a bit hesitant to fork over your hard-earned cash. Maybe you foolishly believe that you have something better than us to spend it on. Because of this, we feel like we should explain why you should donate the entirety of your most recent allowance to us.
Operations at The Snitch are highly costly! Not only do we need to unfortunately pay our writers wages, we also have numerous other expenses such as advertisement, bribery, frequent caviar feasts, and a very large stick used to enforce deadlines. Furthermore, we have been under siege at our headquarters by The Tattler since late 2023, who REPEATEDLY insist that we are “spending way too much time in their room and they need to come in at some point to grab their backpacks and stuff”, despite the fact that B-CC operates fully off of the rule “finders keepers, losers weepers.” To sustain our bodies and highly consistent article output during this dire time, we need regular cash infusions to entice our writers to stay with us, and not leave the Comedy Mines.
So far, major Snitch donors include Dr. Mooney, The entire B-CC Football Team, and Jeff Bezos. Not only that, your parents have been considering donating your college fund to The Snitch as well, because they love us more than they love you. How does that make you feel? Insecure? Unloved? Not enough? Well, we at The Snitch promise you that by donating as much of your money as possible to us, all that will change for the better. Don’t delay, give us your money today!
Remember, The Snitch knows your home address, and will not hesitate to take action if donations are not made.
