Area 51. The Kennedy assassination. The B-CC Cafeteria. What do these have in common? They each hide secrets that the government elite don’t want you, the average citizen, to know. Aliens are dissected and studied in Area 51. John F. Kennedy was killed by bigfoot. And if you tell the lunch lady that you want your lunch “stinky style”, she’ll give you an exclusive caviar burger, garnished with felt from the real baron mascot costume.
That’s right! The B-CC cafeteria has a secret menu, which school administrators have been trying to hide from you the whole time! When pressed for comment, B-CC Head Chef Linda Fryup chose to disappear in a mysterious puff of smoke rather than respond to any questions. After a countrywide manhunt staffed by Snitch branded mercenaries, we successfully managed to find her hiding in a vast underground bunker complex located in the exact geographic center of the Mojave desert. According to Fryup, the B-CC cafeteria secret menu was “Conceived by the puppet masters of the deep state, when they were forced to relocate to B-CC for a few weeks due to a pipe bursting in their shadow headquarters.” Anyone who orders from the secret menu will be put onto a deep state watchlist, but “no one staffs that department anymore, so it doesn’t really lead to any consequences,” according to Fryup.
When asked if the secret menu was where the entire school district’s tissue budget went, she yet again disappeared in a puff of smoke. This time, however, she left behind a list of secret menu items. Due to severe corruption at The Snitch’s offices, we will not be revealing every secret menu item out of a desire to keep the delicious treats to ourselves. But we will give our fine readers a few secret items, out of the kindness, and legally obligated minimum levels of journalistic integrity, of our hearts.
By leaping over the counter while screaming wildly at the cafeteria staff, you can get a steaming bowl of teriyaki fried rice, served alongside an entire pineapple. Try it! Leap over the counter while screaming obscenities! Do it!
By drawing a pentagram on a burger with equal parts hot sauce and ketchup, the staff will be forced to allow you to use a soda fountain filled with entirely discontinued drinks such as New Coke, Tab, and caesar salad flavor Mountain Dew.
Finally, by sliding the lunch lady $500 in Guatemalan quetzales, you will be allowed to choose one (1) student sitting in the cafeteria, and they will prepare that student however you’d like, and serve them alongside a side of fries.
As of press time, our offices are surrounded by unmarked black vans. The Snitch will go down fighting against the B-CC deep state. Godspeed, and remember to order your lunch “stinky style”.
