Love in the Time of LinkedIn

So how does one form meaningful relations and connections in the 21st century with the pressing amount of online activity forced down our throats? The answer: professional networks.


William Walsh and Lily Kolakowski

In today’s modern, business-oriented world abound with LinkedIn posts about how losing a loved one to cancer makes someone a better salesman, it isn’t a shock that the Elon Musk fandom is monetizing the most meaningful part of a normal person’s life—their relationships. So how does one form meaningful relations and connections in the 21st century with the pressing amount of online activity forced down our throats? The answer: professional networks.
However, the art of sliding into one’s MCPS email is not something that can be mastered by just anyone. See the following for expertly crafted, extremely professional, and academically oriented plays:

One of the essential pillars for communication in any professional setting, LinkedIn allows for streamlined discussion with others in your network. However, to take this strictly professional relationship to the next level follow these simple steps. Begin by simply finding your chosen colleague or associate and requesting to add them into your network. When they accept, instead of congratulating them on their new position at Capital LifeShare Consulting, simply DM them the location for a supposed interview at your own firm, and meld that into a date? People on LinkedIn are to the point. The probability of success utilizing this method is high.

MCPS Email:
This medium is only for the highly analytical and knowledgeable students within the Montgomery County Public School system, no outsiders: those emails are restricted. However, what makes this method so promising is the notion of how little information is needed about the recipients. Just start with the simple,
“Dear, [email protected]
And go from there, who needs names. In MCPS, people often identify themselves by their designated student ID number. Random love is always the most exciting form of romance. Just type a random string of numbers into the address box followed by the standard “” and watch a relationship bud. It’s like a blind date… but better.

Google Doc Comments:
One of the most promising ways to guarantee attention is when editing a paper. Whether this be for school or work the author is sure to carefully accept each and every change made to their work. Feeling bold? Slip your number into the comment box and wait to see it resolved.
Google doc comments/suggestions: “May I take you out to the movies, to get some ice cream and to hit up Bethesda Row (add oxford comma).”

Zoom Chat:
With the rise of the pandemic in 2020 a mass exodus from office to virtual meetings meant that everyone became very zoom-savvy. How does one utilize this to their benefit? Make your move in the chat. The zoom chat is the marketplace of love– whether responding to all or just the meeting host, a bold move in the zoom chat will be sure to grab attention.
Furthermore once this action has been completed, make sure to quickly change your background setting to ensure maximum rizz. There is only one thing more powerful than making your move in the zoom chat, and that is making your move with a background of flames encircling you. Instant success.

Williamson Chapter 2 Section 3 (IB kids only):
A more one-way method of communication, but the themes of intense suffering and human mortality can inspire one to live life to the fullest. Simply leaving your digits in the margins of a particularly offensive page about the Ruhr occupation can be enough to link with a fellow IB student.
Additionally, don’t be afraid to try this method out for your AP classes as well. The AP modern world textbook holds similar information, thus, making it viable for this play.

Tutoring your peers:
There is nothing more personal than a one on one conversation with a fellow coworker/ peer. Use this time wisely. While it is important to make sure that the agenda of such tutoring is being pursued, don’t be afraid to throw some personal questions in to test your subject’s familiarity with the passion of the heart. “If the cosine of alpha is the square root of 3 what are the chances of taking you out some time.” Smooth, straightforward, and educational.

As Zuckerberg’s Metaverse begins to define social norms and values, warp elections, and push democracies into extremist states, the impact on modern romance is clearly the most pressing concern. Conforming to these new normals is a task that you are now fully prepared to endure due to this article. Stay focused, be prepared, and don’t get caught lacking. Pay your internet bill and find your non-business life partner.