Despite the common misconception that gingers are a legitimate subset of the human population, we here at The Snitch have decided to clear up the truth: that every single person with red hair is, in fact, Ed Sheeran in a different outfit and mask. While this may be tough to swallow for those who support ginger rights, the truth is far more important than your feelings about it. Think about it. When have you ever seen that ginger “friend” of yours in the same room as Ed Sheeran? That’s right, you haven’t.bc
We spoke to supposed ginger person Eduardo Sheeranowitz, an alleged student here at B-CC, for further information. “What, no!” He emphatically stated, when asked if he was, in fact, Ed Sheeran in a rubber mask. “Ed Sheeran is so cool and handsome, I couldn’t be him! I mean, he’s the best singer of our lifetimes, there’s no reason I-” he then caught himself mid-sentence, before coughing awkwardly. “I- I mean he, would pretend to be every single ginger on earth! I mean, he has the money for it, and time for it, but that’s just because he’s a really cool guy!” At this point, Eduardo was clearly getting very stressed out, and began slipping into a slight British accent. We attempted to continue the interview, but sadly our interviewer fell for Ed Sheeran’s cunning trickery, looking behind himself when Eduardo shouted “Look, an ice cream truck!” This allowed Eduardo to make a clean getaway.
Thankfully, researchers at our Snitch labs have devised a way to capture the dastardly Ed Sheeran, at his next concert. As he is offstage, preparing to play his “music,” we will lay a trap. A cardboard box has been set up, with “free Emmys” written on it with a sharpie. It has been propped up via a stick, and underneath is a one to one replica of an emmy. Once Mr. Sheeran climbs under the box, a string is to be pulled, hopefully trapping him inside.
Update at time of publishing: unfortunately, Ed Sheeran has escaped us at The Snitch yet again. He was notified of the ruse ahead of time by a mole at our head offices, and snuck a cardboard cutout of himself under the box, triggering our trap and foiling our plans. The mole’s identity is currently unknown, but one of our writers was spotted recently alongside a red-haired girl by our spy helicopters, with further investigation pending.
