Well, Washingtonians and Washingtonian-adjacents, it’s been a good run. We’ve had some good times: visited some museums, puked on some metro cars, attended some protests. But now those days are behind us. The pandas left the National Zoo this November. God have mercy on our wretched souls.
No doubt there are important conservation reasons why such a mistake may have been made. Nevertheless, without the cuddly visage of the giant pandas watching over the DMV, it is clear that our time on this blasted rock is soon to meet a fiery end. We spoke to Tamar Rin, the National Zoo’s director of animal care, for more information.
“As a keeper, the most important thing we are taught is that the pandas keep DC from collapsing into a frothing hive of hatred and anger,” she said, fingers twitching over the knife she keeps at her belt, “so I would advise Washingtonians to hide their valuables and make peace with the possibility of their deaths.”
Meanwhile, the National Zoo, desperate for a new flagship species, has begun market testing new merchandising and signs. For the Zoo’s new potential mascot, a misled marketer chose their naked mole rats, also known as “the dried hot dog of the animal kingdom.” This reminder of the panda’s imminent absence was poorly received. Eight people and the entire colony of naked mole rats were casualties of the subsequent riot.
As of press time, The Snitch staff are preparing for an imminent Mad Max-style apocalypse by stockpiling panda plushies.
