The Tattler

The Tattler

The Superbowl was full of surprises
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Some say it was rigged. Others argue the game was won fair and square. A few have gone as far as to say that Usher's was the worst Halftime Show...

B-CC wrestlers move to regionals
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Twelve members of the B-CC Wrestling team qualified for the Individual Regional Championships after competing in the Individual County Championships...

Sephora Kids have become a menace to retail employees.
Is Social Media Depriving Us of Our Childhood?
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The pandemic was hard on all of us, and recently, the lasting effects of a year in quarantine are becoming apparent, one of them being the infamous...

Senior Nate Bromberger looks for an opening in a game against Churchill.
Basketball in County Championship Tonight, Feb. 23
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The top two teams in the county play in the County Championship and this year, both the B-CC Girls and Boys Varsity Basketball teams will compete....

The 2023 B- CC used book sale
Used Book Sale
February 23, 2024

B-CC's PTSA will hold their annual Used Book Sale on March 9 and 10 from 9a.m. to 3p.m. The sale, run by the PTSA, is B-CC’s biggest annual...

Barons Advance to State Quarterfinals
Barons Advance to State Quarterfinals
February 23, 2024

Barons Ice Hockey defeated South River High School in the third round of the playoffs on Tuesday, Feb. 20, at the Gardens Ice House. B-CC got...

Color Wheels created during art class by Barons and their buddies
Best Buddies Travel to Stephen Knolls School
February 23, 2024

On Wednesday, Feb. 21, the B-CC chapter of Best Buddies made a trip to Silver Spring to hang out and engage in bonding activities with their...

The Pandas Are Gone: God Have Mercy On Our Wretched Souls

It was a good run.
DC+left+in+crisis+after+China+takes+back+its+pandas.
Erica Braun
DC left in crisis after China takes back its pandas.

Well, Washingtonians and Washingtonian-adjacents, it’s been a good run. We’ve had some good times: visited some museums, puked on some metro cars, attended some protests. But now those days are behind us. The pandas left the National Zoo this November. God have mercy on our wretched souls.

No doubt there are important conservation reasons why such a mistake may have been made. Nevertheless, without the cuddly visage of the giant pandas watching over the DMV, it is clear that our time on this blasted rock is soon to meet a fiery end. We spoke to Tamar Rin, the National Zoo’s director of animal care, for more information.

“As a keeper, the most important thing we are taught is that the pandas keep DC from collapsing into a frothing hive of hatred and anger,” she said, fingers twitching over the knife she keeps at her belt, “so I would advise Washingtonians to hide their valuables and make peace with the possibility of their deaths.”

Meanwhile, the National Zoo, desperate for a new flagship species, has begun market testing new merchandising and signs. For the Zoo’s new potential mascot, a misled marketer chose their naked mole rats, also known as “the dried hot dog of the animal kingdom.” This reminder of the panda’s imminent absence was poorly received. Eight people and the entire colony of naked mole rats were casualties of the subsequent riot.

As of press time, The Snitch staff are preparing for an imminent Mad Max-style apocalypse by stockpiling panda plushies.

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