B-CC Administration Promises Bear Detectors In Bathrooms

Following reports of an American black bear strolling through the local communities of Kensington and North Chevy Chase this week, school administration released a preliminary outline for a brand-new security plan, promising more security guards, locked garbage cans, and bear detectors installed in every bathroom. The news comes as part of a larger initiative to improve safety at B-CC and crack down on drug use and absenteeism. These changes, however, focus on an issue in the community at large: the animal, presumably lured into the area by an abundance of slow-running suburban children, has ruffled feathers among area parents.

“It’s really frightening,” said Kendall Casper, a local father who wished to remain anonymous, “I mean, when I read the news, I feel like my kids are in danger at school.” Taking a pause to regain composure, he continued, “There’s really only one positive here. We may finally have a more harrowing hardship than ‘caviar-induced food poisoning’ to put on college essays.”

Anxious to assuage the fears of B-CC’s most vulnerable community members (parents), admin quickly proposed solutions to the bear problem. “Bear spray for security guards, bear-proof cans, anti-bear training in advisory, bear detectors,” muttered Dr. Mooney, hunched over a whiteboard covered in manic scribbling.

These new bear detectors, set to be installed over Summer 2023, will be able to detect the species, size, and mood of bears in restrooms using cameras equipped with experimental object recognition AI. A course of action will then be advised, with those deemed expendable remaining in the building while others are evacuated.

Students interviewed in the hallway had generally negative reactions to these policy changes, saying, “This is among the twenty worst decisions Admin has ever made.” Another added, “This is ridiculously stupid. While this is an attempt to address a legitimate problem, these changes will only increase over-policing and distrust within the school, and I fear they indicate worse changes to come.” One student commented, “What do you mean, ‘bears?’”

As of press time, administration is investigating whether bear-related concerns could justify a permanent closure of restrooms during the school day.