Study: Power Of Friendship Found To Be Weaker Than Power Of Soul-Crushing Standardized Tests


Nathaniel Seaman

Be prepared to have your soul crushed

A new study released yesterday found that the power of friendship is insignificant and puny compared to the power of soul-crushing standardized tests. The study surveyed a group of high school seniors as they prepared for their final exams, where one participant said the following:

“The power of standardized tests is unmatched. What else has the power to single-handedly destroy any plans you may have and throw you into a spiraling depression that leads you to drop out of school and ruin your life forever? My friends can’t save me from it. My only choice is to dramatically and heart-wrenchingly betray them.”

We asked English 11 teacher Austin Breeze, who is an administrator of these tests, for his opinion on the study: “I am aware of the power I hold. These little s**** make my life a living hell every day. Using standardized tests to destroy their pathetic friendships is the one pleasurable part of my job.”

As of press time, students have been pouring through their favorite anime in search of a way to support the power of friendship in its fight against standardized testing.